The Dress

That Dress. It's been staring at me for over a year now.

Little Mom and I, and that fabulous dress.

I wake every morning to see it hanging on the hook on the wall. The reminder of what was. What isn't. What could have been. What won't be. And it's holding me back, dammit; It's blocking me off.

Tomorrow, I'm taking the dress to donate it. Hopefully, it will bring much happiness to another bride. May she have as beautiful of a day and feel all the love, happiness and hope of that day that I did. May she feel like the most important person in her lover's eyes. May she feel like nothing could go wrong, as long as this person is by her side, they can weather anything. May she feel all the hope of the future, of a home, of babies, of day to day life. And may she find true happiness was always within her, and now is doubled.

The odd thing is, I found some pictures from the wedding. Of J and I, giving a toast to all of our guests, holding our beers (yep) in our pint glasses we had made for the day, high. The glint of love is all over us. I still to this day, wonder, what happened to that couple? Did it start in Mexico? Was it over before it even began? All these questions I cannot, and will not ever answer. And you know what? That's okay.

Because someday, I have faith, there is going to be this wonderful man for me. Who will mirror back to me all the fabulousness that I give off, and I will mirror back to him the same. Someone who fits in my life as it is, not as he wants it to be. Someone to add to my life, not to take me away from it. Not for me to get lost, and waking up one day to realize, "I'm not the person I loved." For you have to love yourself first. And that's the goal for now. Prepare myself for this guy, who will challenge me, support me in many ways, and in the end, cherish me; and I can't wait to do the same for him.

The first step, though? A three hour drive to Gresham, Oregon. And a drop off to a very generous and excellent foundation. (http://www.makingmemories.org/).

You see, the bride who will have this dress may not have hope for a long, everyday life with her someone. She may not even make it to her fifth wedding anniversary. Or she may kick cancer's butt, and win, and have her happiness and all of her dreams come true. But she will know she is loved, and damn, she's gonna look gorgeous!!!