Busy-ness

I noticed that I used to be bored, a lot. So, I put it out to the universe that I didn't want to be bored anymore.

Between learning my new position, both at work and in the social experiment of life, being divorced and single again, I have been up to the busy-ness of life... a busy little bee, if you will.

Something I have learned, when life is busy - it's busy. Currently, I'm trying to keep up with my reading for my online class I'm in, my work, two online trainings for my j-o-b, my work-out schedule (you know, making it to the gym twice a week - ug, not enough - but better than none), my social schedule (dating, friends, etc.) and my family. It's enough to make someone just want to go to bed and not come out until after the holidays.

So, while I know we don't have more than we can handle, I can't help but feel a little stretched lately. Here is my apology to all - sorry if I can't make a lot of time for you. Sorry if I snap because I'm tired from reading late the night before, or I'm stressed out due to an upcoming paper or test.

Something I need to remember is to make time for me. And I can't put that off until mid-December when this class and the other two online classes I'm working on for work are done. I need to remember and figure out how to take time for myself. How can someone that is a care-giver to all be a care-giver to herself? It's kind of humbling to realize that no one can or will take care of you as well as you can. I believe this is the lesson I need to learn currently, while doing all this other learning. And how to really love myself, and realize what a kick-ass person I am when I am able to take care of me and then others.

Here is to self-care, love and gratitude for the busy-ness.

The Dress

That Dress. It's been staring at me for over a year now.

Little Mom and I, and that fabulous dress.

I wake every morning to see it hanging on the hook on the wall. The reminder of what was. What isn't. What could have been. What won't be. And it's holding me back, dammit; It's blocking me off.

Tomorrow, I'm taking the dress to donate it. Hopefully, it will bring much happiness to another bride. May she have as beautiful of a day and feel all the love, happiness and hope of that day that I did. May she feel like the most important person in her lover's eyes. May she feel like nothing could go wrong, as long as this person is by her side, they can weather anything. May she feel all the hope of the future, of a home, of babies, of day to day life. And may she find true happiness was always within her, and now is doubled.

The odd thing is, I found some pictures from the wedding. Of J and I, giving a toast to all of our guests, holding our beers (yep) in our pint glasses we had made for the day, high. The glint of love is all over us. I still to this day, wonder, what happened to that couple? Did it start in Mexico? Was it over before it even began? All these questions I cannot, and will not ever answer. And you know what? That's okay.

Because someday, I have faith, there is going to be this wonderful man for me. Who will mirror back to me all the fabulousness that I give off, and I will mirror back to him the same. Someone who fits in my life as it is, not as he wants it to be. Someone to add to my life, not to take me away from it. Not for me to get lost, and waking up one day to realize, "I'm not the person I loved." For you have to love yourself first. And that's the goal for now. Prepare myself for this guy, who will challenge me, support me in many ways, and in the end, cherish me; and I can't wait to do the same for him.

The first step, though? A three hour drive to Gresham, Oregon. And a drop off to a very generous and excellent foundation. (http://www.makingmemories.org/).

You see, the bride who will have this dress may not have hope for a long, everyday life with her someone. She may not even make it to her fifth wedding anniversary. Or she may kick cancer's butt, and win, and have her happiness and all of her dreams come true. But she will know she is loved, and damn, she's gonna look gorgeous!!!

Like taking a bullet...

I was asked to fill out one of those silly surveys on Facebook the other day... and I was going along just fine until I saw the last question.

HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

Like taking a bullet. It's coming up on a year that my divorce was finalized. And I thought about this question. Yes, I met my "was-been" on CraigList strictly platonic, and yes, we were together just about three and a half years, married almost two of those. And I could have answered with that.

But then I really thought about it. I have many significant people in my life - day to day, via actual in person interaction, through Facebook, through text messages. I could go through and name all of them, but I know I would be missing someone. Some are very prevalent, daily, and they are the first I think to share my thoughts, good day or bad day, with. I've met you all through school, through work, via being born into the same family, through knit groups, through second jobs or volunteer work, at speed-dating (even though I met no men that night); some of my spouses/significant others are there for a few months, some are there for years - I've had a few of you since kindergarten; You see, I have many significant others – just a single girl filling the boxes with many, instead of just one. Which feels better to me, in the long run. One person shouldn't have to be your everything. Nor should you expect that of them.