Internet Dating...

This is a collaboration between my friend Moxie and I - we're both deep in the midst of internet dating... we use some of the "free" sites - OkCupid, PlentyOfFish, SinglesNet, etc., and these, ladies and gentlemen, are our findings.

In the great words of Moxie one day in cubicle land:
"I think I'll create my next boyfriend at Build-A-Bear. At least then I can pick his personality and I know he will be cute."

No better words were uttered; at least in my book. All of this being impossible, of course, thus some rules for online-dating need to be established. This is some advice we have men (and some women) when making your online dating profile and communication after the initial wink or message is sent. Not that we are experts, but we're pretty cool chicks, and seriously, we want to help you find a date. Maybe even with one of us.

We send each other the profiles we find interesting, ones that we wonder if this guy is truly that awesome, the profiles we find appalling, and the profiles that make you say, "Really?!, Are they joking?!"

Apparently there is some disconnect on why women go on-line for dating and the reasons most men do. Let's try to clear some of this up.

These are the ideas that go through our head while surfing - the good and the bad... and even offer up some suggestions as how to remedy the situation.

A) Your Main Profile Pic – aka the yes/no quick-match first impression shot:

This is the first impression of your profile – make it a good one. Some people (cough cough) just look at this picture and decide weather or not to read your profile or not. Put your best face forward.

Do not do the "far-away, look-at-that-mountain/pyramid/horse/monument-behind-me picture, but the other person can't tell, but swears you look a bit like Charles Manson" shot; or the "look at how awesome I am with this cocky/smoldering look on my face" shot. And we cannot forget the ubiquitous holding the cell phone up beside you and taking the picture in the mirror shot, inevitably with that flip phone from 2004 that you got free with your plan with the toilet/shower or mess you call your bedroom in the background.

Most phones have the function that you see the picture if the phone is facing towards you … turn the phone around so you can see it in the mirror, use that to line up, and then take the shot. We will admit to doing this from time to time. Voila, no douchy shot of you with your phone for your main (or even secondary) profile picture. Do yourself a favor. Delete any pictures where you are holding your phone in it. And you're welcome, by the way.

You have friends (we hope, and if you don't, we probably won't work out) or family members that can take a picture of you. They should want to help you find a date; ask them to help you put your best face forward, for they can truly see you for who you are, and help you by taking multiple shots to get "the one" for the main profile picture. Trust us, it's worth the effort, even if you're slightly embarrassed to ask. No one should be embarrassed by online dating – it's how things go now-a-days. We have both done this for our friends, and were more than happy to help them through this process. We all wish that we had a friend or family member that would introduce us to our future love at a party or that we'd lock eyes over lettuce with that fresh produce at the grocery store. Face it; the chances of this happening? A billion to one. Get a good picture, with a clear face shot, and the chances of getting a date go way up. And remember to give a genuine smile.

B) Other picture pages issues:

Put your shirt back on, for Pete's sake! This goes for the girls, too. We don't want to see your six pack or your new bikini top/lingerie – just yet; and if we do, we want to see it in person or wait for us to ask to see that pic – send it via txt later when we're flirting. Or if you shirt is missing sleeves (i.e. a "wife-beater" – we don't live in the deep south) or is torn where it's not supposed to be – get a new shirt. If you don't have the money for a new shirt, you shouldn't be dating and should be looking for more gainful employment online instead.

Who is that other person in the picture with you? Would they want to be included on your dating profile? Is that the ex you can't let go of? It's called the cropping tool. Use it. And just don't use paint to put a smiley face or use the paint program to scribble over their face. Again, douchy is as douchy does.

Awe, yes, your kid/dog/cat/rat/snake/stuffed bear is so cute. We don't need to see that. If you need props to make others want to date you, your personality is probably that of a potato; a sweet potato, but a potato none-the-less. A picture of you with a kitten on your shoulders doesn't instantly grant you the backstage pass to being the person of our dreams. Or anyone else's for that matter. We want to see you, and eventually we'll want to meet your kid/dog/cat/rat/snake/stuffed bear (well, maybe not the bear). Don’t depend on others to make you marketable. You're an adult. Use your words.

C) Funny Haha vs. Funny Lala.

Have a few friend/family members/complete strangers/acquaintance read your profile. If all any of these laugh out loud, then you are funny haha. If the friend/family member laughs, the acquaintance chuckles and then the stranger looks back at you, the screen and then back at you and runs – you are funny lala. As in crazy or annoying or they don't get your humor, you made them uncomfortable; they thought you were going to slide off into the deep end at any moment. Ask for feedback from a few people as to what you can do to improve your profile.

D) Emoticons/abbreviations in your profile/correspondence.

Use sparingly. LOL every other sentence is going to make someone want to jab an unsharpened pencil through their skull. Are you really LOL'ing that much? We didn't think so. A smile or wink emoticon is okay here and there, but if that is used in every connection or paragraph, it's a bit juvenile and screams "I'm a 13 year old boy trying to date older women." As for txt speak – c, u, ur, l8r, etc. – use your words. Most of us have unlimited texting plans now. Also, know the difference between your and you're.

E) Instant Messaging (IM) on some sites.

Don’t do it unless you have already had previous positive contact with this person (you've exchanged a few messages back and forth, and just happen to be on the site at the same time). If you do IM after this positive contact, always start out with, "Hello; is this a good time?" Most of the time, it will be if they are interested and a chat will ensue. If not a good time, but the person is interested, they might reschedule another time (they might be running late for work or just heading to bed) that would be better for them, or say they will write you later.

Unsolicited IM's from others make both of us nervous. Wink at that person if you're interested, and if you are really interested, drop them a message to say hello, mention something from their profile and give a small compliment. And then wait for their response. If you have a positive response, then move on to IMing. If you do not get a response, don't take it personally, that girl just wasn't wearing her big girl panties and didn't feel the need to inform you that she's uninterested. Remember, though, she's wading through some other guys that are being pushy and might make you look like the diamond in the rough.

And for the love of God – DO NOT open an IM the following on the mainstream dating sites:
1) Hi, How are you? Are you looking for a ____ tonight?
2) Can I be your slave?
3) What color panties are you wearing?
4) Will you be my sugar daddy/mamma?
5) Nice shoes, wanna ____?
6) Do you have sex outside of relationships?
7) Will you be with my significant other and I?
8) Do you enjoying water sports (and not talking about swimming)?
9) You be the naughty nurse, I'll be the sick patient.
10) Will you cook/bake for me? Naked?

Yes, these have been used on us. No, they did not work.

(Note: Some of these might be appropriate for the kink/alternative sites, where this kind of question is appropriate and expected; but seriously, have some damn manners on the just-dating sites.)

F) Your demeanor.

Do show interest. There is a fine line between interest and pushy, coming on too strong and over the top talk. Mention things from my profile, expand the conversation. If you get a "thanks, but no thanks" response, say to yourself, "next!" and move on. Don’t pester the person into going on a date with you. Don't think you'll wear them down. No one wants to be pestered. People can tell if there is chemistry or not by reading your profile and seeing your pictures (again, another reason to have good quality pictures, because, yes, some people are so shallow as to judge a book by it's cover). So, respect that person's decision to respectfully decline and move on. Badgering can be very overwhelming, and sometimes, down right scary.

If you are lucky to get a date, and after said date, the person says they are not feeling a connection, don't email the person, telling them how it's their loss, you are the best thing since sliced bread and that you wanted to take them home to ____ after dinner but settled for pleasuring yourself to their pictures. That screams psycho (and yes, this happened to one of the dear writers after one date recently, God help her).

G) Let them down gracefully – and honestly.

Let's say you had a date. Date was nice, but no sparks. The other person asks you for a second date. You aren't interested. What do you do?

Pull on your big-kid undies. You are an adult. BE HONEST. Do not lead them on. A good example of this is:

"Jane/Bob: While I had a nice time with you while we had dinner and that walk, I have to be honest with you, I really didn't feel a romantic connection."

Plain, simple and to the point. If the other person paid, you might insert, "and thank you again for dinner." If you feel you could be/want to be friends with this person, say that. But only if you mean it. And be prepared that it could back-fire into them following you around like a puppy-dog, hoping to wear your resistance down and that you'll see the error of your ways, and yes, you are truly and deeply in love with them. We suggest to just rip the band-aid off, cut ties and move on.

H) Don't ask about the current state of the other person's sex life.

Maybe it's been a while for them. Maybe it's been forever for you. But this is a rude, bold question to ask. Especially in the first contact or few minutes of a date. In fact, until they offer up the information, this question is always too forward. Don't ask it until you are having a discussion about sex, and the imminent encounter the two of you are about to have. Remember, these are DATING websites and although there is a chance of sex, we are likely looking to DATE, not for some random hook-up. If you're interested in that, hit the LustLab at the Stranger or Casual Encounters on Craigslist, please. And if we're looking for that, that is where you'll find us, too (but highly unlikely).

I) Expecting anything more than a "thank-you" on the first date is just plain bad manners.

Don't get all pissed when you are trying to date someone for the long term and sex doesn't happen on the first, second or fifth date. Think, "Would I want to take this person home to Mom?" If you are deet-dooting (yes, having sex) on the first date, highly unlikely that you have a ton of respect for this person. There seems to be an expectation that if you are online-dating that sex is expected on the first date. We don't know you. You don't know us. If you are looking for just a hook-up, tell the person that BEFORE the date, since they may have some other idea of what this date is. (Or, again, hit the sites dedicated to just that.) You're planning a steak and a B.J. date, and she's planning a nice dinner and maybe a peck on the lips. These are two totally different expectations. Not to say that you can't/shouldn't have sex on the first date. That is the choice of you and your date, and if the evening does go that way, go for it. We know a few couples that are married/committed where just that happened. It can work. But it's not the norm. If you are so lucky as to "close the deal" per say, use a condom and possibly a second form of contraception and pat yourself on the back. And don't complain about the condom. It is a necessity. We've noticed that a lot less people are demanding this and our generation has become particularly lax about using protection. There are still STDs out there; Protect yourself and the person you're canoodling with. If all you get a hug and "I hope to see you soon!", still pat yourself on the back, this person wants to see you again. Don't make the other person feel like the gate-keeper and you're trying to storm the castle. No one likes to feel pressured about sex. Period.

J) Don't over-talk yourself up. There is a fine line between confidence and cocky. Be confident, be assertive, but don't act like you walk on water. We all have our faults and strengths. Actions speak louder than words – we're not interested in hearing an infomercial on why you're so great. Bullet a few points and let us find out how awesome you are.

K) Just because you don't have a romantic connection with someone(s) – don't give up on dating.

Dating is a blood sport. Get out there. Date and date and date until you meet that someone. You are going to kiss a lot of frogs (or politely tell them you are uninterested) before you find that one you want to share your lilypad with for a while.

Following some of our advice should help you. Good night and good luck.

And on second thought, we're heading back to the grocery to check out the produce there.

Cricket and Moxie