Judgey Judgerson

So, I have to say - I judge people. But I would say 99 out of 100 times, it's people I don't know, and it's at a bar after I've had a drink or two... And it's mostly all in good fun. Making fun of the 22 year old who doesn't understand darts and is wearing a ridiculously club outfit in a dive bar. Making fun of her friend for ordering a drink that is a color that doesn't exist in nature (technicolor blue) because she probably found it on "shake-drink" app of her phone, for some examples (from last Friday night). And I know I'm not the only one who does this. Most people probably have the fleeting judgemental thoughts without even realizing it many times throughout the day.

But I have to say, the person I judge the most is myself. I am down right harsh with myself. Some of these thoughts are: "I'm never good enough in my job." or "Why would he want to date me after he knows that I'm divorced?" or "What if I'm too quirky for him - should I tone it down - because you can see that being yourself isn't really working." or "Did you really need that piece of chocoalte?" (to which the answer is ALWAYS yes) and "You suck." (for no particular reason at all I'll think this).

As I have mentioned, I'm working on this - but yesterday, I fell into my old habits, beating myself up for things I cannot control. I am swamped at work - and I have to go to training for two weeks in the middle of March - so, I have a bunch of stuff cramming into my schedule at work that I *have* to get done to keep up with schedules, etc. And, well, yesterday, I was on the verge of tears all day. I don't like feeling like I suck at my job. I keep constantly wondering when I am going to feel a slight confidence in myself at work. I also wonder if this is really the right line of work for me... should I go back and get that damn GIS certificate or masters and do that for a living... and will I really love that more than writing contracts? I feel pressured - mostly from myself - to be awesome at work, to fulfill all my customers needs and to care about projects and try to keep to the timelines I set and that are set by the program. But I'm starting to see why most people in this field shut down. I'm on the brink of that now. And I don't want to be that kind of worker, who fulfills my shift, does the minimum amount possible and goes home. I need to feel like I earn my paycheck.

And let me tell you - these next 8 weeks - I'm more than earning it. Between keeping up with my projects, training for two weeks in March, then online training when I get back, and then another week of training in the end of April... oy veh! Send me good thoughts, please!

Well, time off is good

So, I took some time off from the dating scene - Thanksgiving through late January. Holiday are no time to start dating someone - it just puts pressure on people, expectations are raised and well, when it comes down to it.. I was just too busy. I had my friend "ground" me - so, he kept me to my word that I wasn't going to date for about a month. I kept to my word, and well, I'm back in the game after sitting on the sidelines.

Had a nice date on 1/30 - he came out with some friends the next weekend, and then we went for beers... I don't really think it's quite going anywhere - which isn't a bad thing, because I couldn't decide if I was interested or not. And that usually means, not. You can't force an issue.

I'm starting to worry that maybe it's not the guys in Seattle - that maybe, it's me. So, I've been working on removing the negativity of my life - it's tough work, but do it now or do more of it later. I'd rather get this lesson learned than have to suffer the rest of my life with it.

And I'm feeling like I'm more out there. And that's not such a bad thing.