Judgey Judgerson

So, I have to say - I judge people. But I would say 99 out of 100 times, it's people I don't know, and it's at a bar after I've had a drink or two... And it's mostly all in good fun. Making fun of the 22 year old who doesn't understand darts and is wearing a ridiculously club outfit in a dive bar. Making fun of her friend for ordering a drink that is a color that doesn't exist in nature (technicolor blue) because she probably found it on "shake-drink" app of her phone, for some examples (from last Friday night). And I know I'm not the only one who does this. Most people probably have the fleeting judgemental thoughts without even realizing it many times throughout the day.

But I have to say, the person I judge the most is myself. I am down right harsh with myself. Some of these thoughts are: "I'm never good enough in my job." or "Why would he want to date me after he knows that I'm divorced?" or "What if I'm too quirky for him - should I tone it down - because you can see that being yourself isn't really working." or "Did you really need that piece of chocoalte?" (to which the answer is ALWAYS yes) and "You suck." (for no particular reason at all I'll think this).

As I have mentioned, I'm working on this - but yesterday, I fell into my old habits, beating myself up for things I cannot control. I am swamped at work - and I have to go to training for two weeks in the middle of March - so, I have a bunch of stuff cramming into my schedule at work that I *have* to get done to keep up with schedules, etc. And, well, yesterday, I was on the verge of tears all day. I don't like feeling like I suck at my job. I keep constantly wondering when I am going to feel a slight confidence in myself at work. I also wonder if this is really the right line of work for me... should I go back and get that damn GIS certificate or masters and do that for a living... and will I really love that more than writing contracts? I feel pressured - mostly from myself - to be awesome at work, to fulfill all my customers needs and to care about projects and try to keep to the timelines I set and that are set by the program. But I'm starting to see why most people in this field shut down. I'm on the brink of that now. And I don't want to be that kind of worker, who fulfills my shift, does the minimum amount possible and goes home. I need to feel like I earn my paycheck.

And let me tell you - these next 8 weeks - I'm more than earning it. Between keeping up with my projects, training for two weeks in March, then online training when I get back, and then another week of training in the end of April... oy veh! Send me good thoughts, please!

Busy-ness

I noticed that I used to be bored, a lot. So, I put it out to the universe that I didn't want to be bored anymore.

Between learning my new position, both at work and in the social experiment of life, being divorced and single again, I have been up to the busy-ness of life... a busy little bee, if you will.

Something I have learned, when life is busy - it's busy. Currently, I'm trying to keep up with my reading for my online class I'm in, my work, two online trainings for my j-o-b, my work-out schedule (you know, making it to the gym twice a week - ug, not enough - but better than none), my social schedule (dating, friends, etc.) and my family. It's enough to make someone just want to go to bed and not come out until after the holidays.

So, while I know we don't have more than we can handle, I can't help but feel a little stretched lately. Here is my apology to all - sorry if I can't make a lot of time for you. Sorry if I snap because I'm tired from reading late the night before, or I'm stressed out due to an upcoming paper or test.

Something I need to remember is to make time for me. And I can't put that off until mid-December when this class and the other two online classes I'm working on for work are done. I need to remember and figure out how to take time for myself. How can someone that is a care-giver to all be a care-giver to herself? It's kind of humbling to realize that no one can or will take care of you as well as you can. I believe this is the lesson I need to learn currently, while doing all this other learning. And how to really love myself, and realize what a kick-ass person I am when I am able to take care of me and then others.

Here is to self-care, love and gratitude for the busy-ness.